Lighter Side of Fitness
is good medicine. This old saying is now validated by scientific studies.
Researchers Patrick & Gael Crystal Flanagan write, “Laughter is a form
of internal jogging that exercises the body and stimulates the release of
beneficial brain neurotransmitters and hormones”.
Robert Holden adds, “Smiling and laughing produce happy chemicals called endorphins
which work in the brain to give an overall feeling of well-being.” Exercise
does the same thing. So if you haven’t had time to keep fit this holiday season,
here is the lighter side of fitness to give you a laughing workout.
I don't exercise at all. If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would
have put them up higher on my body.
in shape. Round is a shape.
Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny
people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people.
They're dying of course but they look terrific.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
"At my gym they have free weights, so I took them." -- Steve Smith
The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions.
My gym trainer told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that
kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I get my exercise running to the funerals of my friends who exercise. --
If God had wanted us to run, instead of a belly button, He'd have given
us a fast-forward button.
I used to run five miles every day. Then I decided it was easier to move
closer to the bus stop.
The physical fitness craze doesn't make sense. The guy who exercises every
day and the person who never exercises at all end up with the same thing
-- a body that will last a lifetime.
Remember, before beginning any exercise program, check with your doctor
-- to make sure your heart can take the shock of the price of exercise equipment.
The first time you try cross-country skiing, try a small country.
Exercises like pushups and chin-ups can be dangerous because they elevate
the blood pressure significantly. The best indication that it's time to
rest is a heart attack.
Wearing a sweat suit while exercising in warm weather will jeopardize your
health. It is a good idea, however, to wear something.
Using an exercise bicycle in your house gives your cardiovascular system
the same workout as jogging outdoors, plus an added advantage: you can have
the heart attack in the privacy of your home.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman
gain five pounds.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually
sedate her with four or five cupcakes.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what
other people eat.
Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but also doubled
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave
me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." – Joe Lewis
The Garlic Diet: You don't lose weight; you just look thinner from a distance.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and stand in front
of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can
eat too much.
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the
food fight it out inside. -- Mark Twain
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to
eat what you've just learned how to cook. -- Andy Rooney
The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult
for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. -- Edward
scale diet tricks
Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without
clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've
Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred
vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewelry, as it could weigh as
much as a pound!
Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and
high quality scales are very accurate.
Always go to the bathroom first.
Weigh yourself after a haircut; this is good for up to half a pound of hair
Exhale with all your might before stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight,
Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod
slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel
rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least
two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.
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